When Virginia Knudsen got pregnant at 15, her aunt told her she was a disappointment to the family and she would amount to nothing.
“I went about spending the next 30-plus years proving her wrong,” she said. “What I didn’t realize was the price me and others close to me paid for that, because no matter how much money I made, what titles or promotions I got, it was never enough.”
Through tough conversations with herself, Knudsen learned to reshape her idea of success, redefine herself and found a passion in building other leaders through the same principles at BOAR, a professional training and coaching organization she co-founded in 2018. BOAR is named after the animal, encouraging leaders to be headstrong and demand attention, according to the organization’s website.
The company helps new leaders and C-suite executives be the best version of themselves so they can run great companies, Knudsen, a former bank executive, said.
Now, she has written and self-published a book, “Leading With Heart: Unlocking the Power of Emotional Intelligence,” to put her emotional intelligence framework into a form in which leaders can access and influence companies from the top down.
Knudsen has been married for 41 years, has three children and five grandchildren. By the way, that child she was pregnant with is now 45, retired military Special Forces, has a Ph.D. in emergency medicine and is now a medical practitioner.
Instead of letting that quip by her aunt define her, Knudsen used it as fuel for her success.
Q How do you define emotional intelligence? Why is teaching the next generation so important to you?
A My definition is asking, “Who am I? Who are you? And how do I, as a leader, adapt to coach, mentor, inspire you the way you need it?”
We all see the world differently. We all make decisions differently. Often we have conflict or avoid someone because we don’t understand them.
As of today, 75 percent of leaders are millennial-aged and younger. Over 50 percent are in or going into leadership positions, and nobody is getting them ready for it. I don’t believe we’re getting them ready fast enough.
I believe emotional intelligence is the biggest factor in successful leaders. There is data showing that understanding emotional intelligence and improving your own provides a better career and better overall happiness in life.
Teaching personality styles and behaviors helps us be better leaders and communicate in a way people need, because the one-size-fits-all leadership of the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s does not work for younger generations. We need to adapt, coach and mentor in a way that works if we want to keep them.
Do you believe current business leaders lack emotional intelligence? How can they improve?
I do. Obviously, I don’t think everybody does. But many leaders struggle with needing to be the smartest person in the room. They are smart and successful, but that doesn’t leave room for them to see how they are showing up or work on their emotional intelligence.
We all have conversations from our past, like mine from not being enough. They influence our leadership and decisions. Understanding who I am, what are my limited beliefs and how that gets in the way of being the best leader I can be is a start to improving.
In my book, at the end of each chapter are exercises that leaders, up-and-coming leaders, CEOs and C-suite executives can do to improve leadership, communication with their team and create an emotionally intelligent workforce.
What is one of those exercises?
If I make a mistake, I tend to spin on it. I’ll stay up all night thinking “Woulda, coulda, shoulda.” Now I can work through it in 10 minutes. I have a four-step process that helps me not spin.
One, is it true? Sometimes it’s not, I’m making it up.
Two, what evidence do I have that what I’m making up is true? If I don’t have evidence, I should let it go.
Three, if it is true, is there anything I can do right now to move the needle forward? If yes, I do it. If not, there is nothing I can do.
Then No. 4, get into service to something or someone else until I can come back with a better frame of mind. Have coffee with my husband, talk to my grandkids, play with the dogs, anything that gets me out of my own head.
If readers take only one thing from your book, what should it be?
As leaders, when we choose leadership, our job is to give people the tools they need to be successful. We are not responsible for whether they pick those tools up. But, we need to understand who is in front of us, communicate and share what is working and what is not in a way they hear us.
The only way to do that is to understand who we are, our triggers, how we make decisions, why we show up the way we do and adapt to communicate in a way that people hear us. That is part of emotional intelligence.
What’s your key advice for leaders?
Don’t take themselves too seriously. Have fun. Work somewhere you want to be. Lead from, “How do I help people be their best?” Lead from empathy, trying to understand and curiosity. You still have to work on accountability and results, but always lead from empathy, understanding and curiosity.
Virginia Knudsen
Title: Co-founder and CEO of BOAR
Age: 61
Education: I had an untraditional education route. I got my bachelor’s degree at 45 and master’s when I was 47.
Favorite place to take a business lunch: Nora’s Italian Cuisine
Favorite place to bring the family: Locally, Swingers in Mandalay Bay, but the real answer is Disney World.
